From 'I Do' to 'Do I Have To?’: Navigating the Post-Honeymoon Blues

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the preceding response contains elements of humour and sarcasm intended for entertainment. The following section offers more direct and practical advice regarding your situation. For professional guidance on marital issues, please consult with a qualified marriage counsellor or therapist.

Ask uncle Issa

Question: Please help! My marriage is on a downhill roll after five years. I was courted and lifted off my feet by a man that I eventually married, but he doesn’t behave like my prince charming. He does not treat me the same way. I'm exhausted just trying to be nice.  For how long am I to tolerate this? And yet he puts the blame on me. He says that I don’t seem to have time for him and that my job is more important, but that’s not true. I put a lot of premium on our marriage, and I want it to work. Please advise me.

Answer: After five years, your marriage is on a downhill trajectory. Let me be open with you. The rollercoaster started the moment you were married. It has only picked up momentum, and I am afraid it is gaining unstoppable speed and surprise—there are no seatbelts.

Be honest. It is not just the lifting off your feet that stopped. He probably doesn’t hold your hands in public or even take you out to eating places. The question to ask is: When he stopped doing the things that you can count on your fingers, what did you stop? Maybe those cute nicknames have been replaced with grunts. Think of it; maybe you don’t call him ‘Babe’ or perhaps his toenails now resemble miniature daggers because someone retired from in-home pedicure duty. Relationships are “tit for tat,” no pun intended.

If you want him to behave like your prince charming, start behaving like his “Cinderella.” Scratch his back (literally and metaphorically), and he will scratch yours. And who knows? He might just remember how to sweep you off your feet.

Get this: if it is too hot in the kitchen, get out! In your case, it is too cold in the Arctic, but either way, get out. Anyone would blame you for not shipping out, including me. You need to go out and find someone just waiting to lift you off your feet as you do nothing for them in return.

He says you don’t seem to have time for him and that your job is more important. Don’t deny it. I am getting the same impression. If you have put ‘a lot of premium’ in this marriage, it is not obvious. At least I do not see it. If he's feeling sidelined, maybe it's time to reassess the work-life balance. So if you really want this marriage to work, start listening to him without being defensive. Meet his expectations as he meets your expectations.

Here’s what you should do. Talk to him about lifting you off your feet and even opening doors for you, then let him talk. Hear him. He will have his demands, and you must be ready to meet him halfway. If he says your job is more important to you, don’t argue. See how you can spend fewer hours working and stop carrying work home to make him feel more important. Use this ‘saved time’ on your husband. When two spouses care for each other, marriage will not be a grind.

One more thing. You have not mentioned children. After five years, your main focus should be on your children, not on being lifted off your feet. If indeed there are children, you are probably too big to be lifted off your feet. Your husband would expect you to be lifting others off their feet—the children. Acts that looked cool during courtship are not cool within marriage. Stick to your vows—for better or for worse. Marriage is a lifelong commitment.

In conclusion, marriage isn't all moonlit dances and spontaneous serenades. It's work—a four-letter word that requires effort from both parties. So, roll up your sleeves, have an open dialogue, and remember: fairy tales are for bedtime stories. Real life requires real effort.

For more direct and well-informed advice, free of humour and sarcasm: It's understandable that you're feeling disillusioned and hurt by the changes in your husband's behaviour after marriage. The contrast between the initial courtship and his current actions is a common source of distress in long-term relationships. Here's a more structured approach to addressing this situation:

1. Initiate Open and Honest Communication: The core of the issue seems to be a breakdown in communication and unmet expectations. Schedule a dedicated time to talk to your husband without distractions. Express your feelings calmly and clearly, focusing on "I" statements (e.g., "I feel hurt when...") rather than accusatory language ("You always..."). Explain the specific behaviours that are causing you distress and how they differ from your expectations and the initial stages of your relationship.
2. Actively Listen to His Perspective: He has expressed that he feels you don't have time for him and that your job takes priority. Try to understand his viewpoint without immediately becoming defensive. There might be underlying reasons for his feelings that you are not fully aware of. Ask clarifying questions and try to empathise with his experience. His perception, even if you don't agree with it, is his reality.
3. Re-evaluate Your Work-Life Balance: Even if you feel your job isn't your priority, his perception suggests a disconnect. Honestly assess the time and energy you dedicate to work versus your marriage. Are there any adjustments you can make to create more quality time and attention for your relationship? This doesn't necessarily mean quitting your job, but it might involve being more intentional about evenings, weekends, and shared activities.
4. Identify Shared Expectations and Needs: Discuss what both of you envision for your marriage. What are your individual needs for affection, quality time, support, and appreciation? Are these expectations being met? Understanding each other's needs is crucial for finding common ground and working towards fulfilling them.
5. Seek Professional Counselling: Given that the issues have persisted for some time and you're feeling exhausted, consider seeking help from a qualified marriage counsellor or therapist. A therapist can provide a neutral and structured environment for you and your husband to communicate effectively, explore underlying issues, and develop strategies for rebuilding your connection. They can offer tools and techniques to improve communication, resolve conflict, and reignite intimacy.
6. Small, Consistent Efforts: Focus on making small, consistent efforts to show appreciation and affection towards each other. These gestures, even if they don't involve grand romantic gestures, can gradually rebuild intimacy and connection.
7. Revisit Your Vows and Shared Values: Remind yourselves of the commitments you made to each other when you got married. What were your shared values and goals for your life together? Reconnecting with these foundational elements can provide a renewed sense of purpose and commitment to the marriage.
8. Be Patient and Realistic: Rebuilding a relationship takes time and effort from both individuals. Don't expect overnight changes. Focus on consistent effort and celebrate small steps forward. Understand that marriage evolves, and the dynamic of the relationship will change over time from the initial courtship phase.

It's important to remember that a healthy marriage requires ongoing effort, open communication, and a willingness from both partners to adapt and meet each other's needs. Seeking professional guidance can provide invaluable support in navigating these challenges.

Uncle Issa

 ..........................................................................................................................First published in Blogger.com in 2025

Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.