In a relationship with a married man who has only seen his son five time in six years!

  

Disclaimer: Please be aware that I am offering general advice that is supposed to be humorous, sarcastic and factual, based on my personal perspective. For professional guidance on relationships, it is crucial to consult with counsellors and mental health professionals.

Ask uncle Issa

Questions: I have been in a relationship on and off with a married man for 10 years. We even have a six-year son but he has only seen the boy about five times. When he feels like, he sends KS. 5000 which could be after three months. Apart from that, he has never done anything for the baby, and even did not pay the local clinic when I delivered. He doesn’t care what his son eats, whether he has any health needs or whether he even goes to school. He goes to the local public school in my estate because I cannot afford to take him to a private academy.  His children by his wife on the other hand, attend expensive private school. I have tried to at least get help from him with school fees but he never says yes or no.  He leaves the matter hanging in the balance.

He calls me when he feels like and surprisingly, I am always there for him. When he does, he never asks about his son. He just tells me where to meet him and I have to make arrangements for the boy’s care. What should I do. My son’s needs are increasing by the day and I feel that he should be very concerned about his son. I am not planning to have another with him, since, this experience tells me my problems will double. What should I do?

Answer: You have been in an off and on relationship for 10 years! Are you trying to break a record? Why don’t you call the Guinness World Records and aim for a category – the longest on and off relationship. Let me be blunt before I even answer your question: After 15 years of an on and off relationship, your will be have expired – yes, no shelf life. You will be at the end of your sell by date, if it hasn’t reached already. And when that happens, your dead-beat man will not call occasionally – he will never call.

Which serious father has only seen his son five times in ten years. At your 15^th anniversary he will have seen the boy for a record nine years, probably through his car window. And that’s if he feels like turning his lazy head to look through the window. Like when he feels like, he sends Kesh. 5000 after three months. That is 40 times in ten years and 60 times in 15 years. And guess what. That would make you richer by Ksh 300,000 in the fifteen-year period. Why doesn’t he give you’re the Kesh. 300,000 now. He can afford it. After all his children are in expensive schools where he probably pays twice that much per term per child. Did you say your son is also HIS son?

You say has never done anything for the boy so this 300,000 is the reparation. It’s for all that pain of having to see he through a car window. Damn, it makes the boy sound cheap- double it to 600,000 and if he refuses, get help from the child welfare department. He will regret having refused to part with such a paltry sum when they slap him with child support for the next 12 years when the boy will be 18 years of age. He will not be non-committal and neither will he leave a court directive hanging.  With child support, you won’t have to worry about him not worrying about what the boy he eats or whether he has any health issues or even where he goes to school. You might even decide to upgrade him to an international school. What the heck, aim higher than his children in costly private schools.

He will most likely feel like calling your less often since he will already have your bank details where the child support will be deposited. But in case he calls, be there to hand over the receiver to his son. Don’t be there for him. Don’t meet him. You have already met more than him in the last 10 years. You won’t have to think about your increasing needs, ever again. Another thing, plan on getting another man but this time, use your head. Babies come after commitment, not the other way round.

Here's more direct and practical advice: It is evident that you are in a challenging situation where your son's father is not fulfilling his parental responsibilities. The inconsistency in financial support and his lack of involvement in your son's life are causing you significant stress and impacting your child's well-being. Here are some steps you should consider taking:

1. Seek Legal Counsel: This is the most crucial step. Consult with a lawyer specializing in family law and child support in your area. They can advise you on your rights and the legal processes available to compel the father to provide financial and emotional support for his son.
2. Formal Child Support Application: Your lawyer can help you file a formal application for child support through the appropriate legal channels. This will establish a legally binding obligation for the father to contribute to your son's upkeep, including school fees, healthcare, and other needs.
3. Establish Paternity (If Not Legally Established): If paternity has not been legally established, your lawyer can guide you through the necessary steps to do so. This is often a prerequisite for pursuing child support.
4. Cease Being Available on His Terms: Your continued availability whenever he calls reinforces the dynamic where your needs and your son's needs are secondary to his convenience. While it might be difficult, try to detach emotionally and prioritize your and your son's well-being. You are not obligated to be his emotional support or meet him on demand.
5. Focus on Your and Your Son's Well-being: Invest your emotional energy in building a stable and supportive environment for yourself and your son. Seek support from trusted friends and family.
6. Consider Your Future Relationships Carefully: As you mentioned, future relationships should be built on commitment and mutual respect, with the well-being of any children being a shared priority.

 

Uncle Issa

 .........................................................................................................................First published in Blogger.com in 2025

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