We quarreled about his other women; now he has married one of them

 Ask Uncle Issa

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the preceding response contains elements of humour and sarcasm intended for entertainment.  For professional guidance on relationship issues, please consult with a qualified marriage counsellor or therapist.

Question: We had been married for about ten years when, a year ago, we started having serious arguments and a lack of consensus. This led to the breakup of our marriage. The quarrelling was about the women in his life and his heavy drinking habit. Surprisingly, he blames me for the breakup. When he left, I remained with the children, hoping he would eventually come back. Now I heard from family friends that he has moved on and married another woman. When I confronted him about it, he said it was true and implied that he is happy now. He promised to continue taking care of the children, but that did not console me. I feel like my world has collapsed. I am devastated. I did not want an end to my marriage. Please help me to get him back. I am ready to forgive the past.

Answer: You were married to a man who drank like a fish and apparently had a social calendar full of women. This reminds me of my own marriage of 16 years. We have our own beef, and from what you have said, even a 20-year marriage can collapse if one of the spouses is a loudmouth who listens to gossip. Yes, loudmouth and gossip consumer. He’s remarried, allegedly happy, and you’re stuck picking up emotional rubble while hoping for his grand return. Maybe make a billboard outside his house with "Come Back, My King!" written in glitter?

If you had been careful about what you said during your quarrels and arguments, your former husband would never have left. He may now be married to a more understanding woman who cares less that he was at one time married to you, another woman. You claim that he had other women, but you don’t say that you busted him with one. You likely heard from your reliable sources. You say he had a drinking habit. We all have. Some drink milk, water, and juices. I have a drinking problem—I take too much tea, but fortunately it hasn’t had an impact on my marriage. What’s wrong with that? You have not mentioned beer, which can be a problem when taken in excess. Your sources told you that he has a drinking problem. It was all hearsay. You listened to anybody who was willing to talk about your husband. That probably made him fall into the arms of a less gullible and talkative woman. Remember, LM, you discovered that he has another wife not by investigating and bursting him, but by listening to other busybodies. I am not surprised he shipped out. 

Now that you have come to Uncle Issa for a solution, let’s try to help you. Shape up. He probably still drinks. Hopefully it is beer. That could be his soft underbelly. Try the nostalgia effect. Buy him a drink and tell him that it comes with no strings attached. You can attach the strings later, after you have emptied your chest. As you enjoy the evening out, make sure to talk only about the positive aspects of your dead marriage. Talk more than he does. This is where your loudmouth will be an asset. Don’t talk about the new wife, the women, or the drinking habit. After all, you don’t know about a new wife. You only heard of it from others and forced a confession from him. He probably wanted you to feel jealous. Assume that he has no wife other than you. Let him blame you for the breakup. In fact, agree that you are to blame and congratulate him for offering to take care of the children. Give him time to ventilate after your monologue.

Now here is the bombshell. Tell him how much you valued your marriage, so much that you don’t mind being the second or even third wife. If he sits properly to listen to you, you are halfway there. If he confesses to also missing you and the marriage, you can offer another evening out to firm things up—in his house, dummy. If he agrees to come back, learn something from this experience and give your man some space. If he asks for time to think about it, he is a very responsible man who is worried about how his current wife will survive without him. Instead of feeling devastated, accept that the world has more women than men and that polygamy is real. If you don’t fancy the idea of being wife number two, stop chasing what’s already sprinted into someone else’s arms. Focus on yourself and those children who deserve a happy, whole mom. The world hasn’t collapsed—it’s just demanding a remodel.

Uncle Issa

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