My Secretary is in Love with Me

 Ask Uncle ISSA



Disclaimer: Please be aware that the preceding response contains elements of humour and sarcasm intended for entertainment. For professional guidance on marital issues, please consult with a qualified marriage counsellor or therapist.

Question: My name is Double Dee. I'm married, and I love my wife very much. She has never given me a reason to doubt her love for me. But my secretary is in love with me and has openly told me so. She’s good-looking, and frankly, I like her as a secretary. Now I am in a dilemma as I do not want to offend or hurt her. What do I do?

Answer: Dear Double Dee,

Ah, the classic office romance conundrum, straight out of a soap opera script! But it seems this time it is one-sided. Many people would not complain about such an envious situation.  First off, congratulations on being so irresistible—is it a blessing and a curse? Let’s try to be positive for once.

I had a similar problem soon after my wedding. But in my case, she got pregnant. I moved out to live with her, and I am still with her. So be positive; things are rarely as bad as they look. Especially since you have me as an advisor. Be that as it may, I will give you three options. See the one that suits your secretary most and run with. it.

1. The Soap Opera Plot Twist: You know what? You can imagine your life as a daytime TV soap opera. Every episode needs drama, and you are the one that controls the script. You could introduce a subplot where you suddenly develop an interest in poultry farming every time she shows up. Nothing cools off a forbidden romance like endless monologues about the wonders of poultry, especially the treatment of coccidiosis. You can explain that it is a sort of diarrhoea in chickens. When she changes the subject to a more romantic conversation, return to the amorous behavior of the cocks, regardless of their gastrointestinal issues. Trust me, nothing dims forbidden love like endless chicken talk.

  1. The Spousal Armour: Start every conversation with "My spouse and I"—as in, "My spouse and I were just talking about how good you are at filing documents correctly!’ Tell her how your wife knows how wonderful she is at her job and that she is planning to meet her one day.  The constant reminder of your happy marriage should set her romantic sights off tangent, as I believe that is what you want.

  2. The Humour Approach: Lighten the mood with humour.

  1. ‘Oh, you love me? How about I introduce you to my wife? She has always wanted a co-wife of her own choosing. Maybe you can convince her to choose you.

  2. ‘That’s great, because my spouse is planning our anniversary dinner, and we need all the help we can get with the decorations! It would be great if the help is from someone who is really into me."

If none of these options is palatable to you or your secretary, find out if the HR is male and single. It might be time to seek advice on how to offload your problem to his department.

Uncle Issa

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Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.

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