I was engaged to a man who opened doors for me

 Ask Uncle ISSA

Disclaimer: Uncle Issa advises you to take the information below with a pinch of salt. These are my humorous observations, not a recipe for relationship bliss. If you need expert advice, find it elsewhere, not here. Read till the end, with a smile!

Question: I am 36 years old. My last meaningful relationship was when I was in my 20s. I was engaged to a man who opened doors for me, pulled chairs out before I sat down, and always asked if I was okay or needed some help. I felt like a princess. His rich parents wanted him to marry someone from a well-off family. To make it worse, I had some baggage from another relationship—a son. To frustrate me, they found him a college in the US and organised his transport and stay there, and so our relationship came to a halt. Since then I have never loved another man, and in any case, after every date, the man never calls. I have looked inside and tried to work on my diet and figure, but my men keep disappearing. I need to find a man who will settle with me, besides loving me and my soon.

Uncle Issa, advise me on how to find a serious man.

Answer: Hello, mother of one. I hear you. You have lost the Midas touch and want it back, yet the biological clock is ticking. Soon you will be forty, then fifty, then sixty. How can we get your 20s back with a good man to boot? Don’t worry. Uncle Issa is here to help you.

First of all, that man was opening doors, pulling out chairs, and always asking if you were okay, but he was not okay himself. The reason he was doing all that was because he was buying time. He was waiting for you to expire, go past your ‘sell by date.’ His parents did not find him a college; he found it and escaped from your clutches. A man does not let his parents decide whom he should marry even when his choice is a mother of nine. If he had a spine, he would have called you from the US to continue a long-distance relationship. But the wimp disappeared into thin air. And that’s before you had gone on a diet and improved on your figure. If he truly loved you, he would have encouraged you to join the gym instead of just opening doors. Honestly, it's good that scumbag is out of your life! Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s get to some real advice.

I will give you three options to pick one, two, or all three.

1.      Let your son be the man in the house. He can open doors, pull chairs, and keep asking you if you are okay. Obviously you are not okay, but we are not telling him. That way you’ll be sure that you are raising an understanding man who will not run away from his girlfriend like that scumbag you are unable to forget. He is growing and will one day leave the nest, so make the most of it. Teach him to treat people well, especially ladies, and he will make you proud. If he leaves for some college in the US, you can be sure he will be calling Mummy to say hello and probably ask for some advice. Let this one be your truly last meaningful relationship.

2.      Dear mother of one. For this option, you will have to wait until your son leaves the nest. Then you will have the whole house to yourself. With some effort, you can diet, do some yoga, and join a gym to get that 20s look that made the scumbag swoon. Just do not use this time to get another son or daughter; otherwise, by the time they leave the nest so you can spoil yourself, you will be an octogenarian. With a figure eight and looks that are 30 years your junior, another desperate man is bound to be drawn to you like a bee to a flower. He might not open doors, pull chairs, or ask if you are okay. It will be your turn to open doors, pull chairs, and ensure that he is okay as you remind him to take his tablets.

3.      For this option you will need a manila paper, a felt pen, and lots of courage. Use the felt pen to write on the manila paper. Then choose a spot with heavy traffic, such as a roundabout, and display your placard. If you can organise to have some reporters cover you so that you appear on television, so much the better. You will have struck two birds—men, really—with one stone. Because, dear mother of one, you have written, “Please marry me. I need a financially stable, God-fearing man. Call me on this number.” Your phone number will be promptly displayed at the bottom.

I hope one or more of these suggestions will suffice. Remember, you are not getting any younger, so I would advise you to start with the last one. It is the least involving and most likely to yield a man, fast.

Let me know if you need a fourth option.

Uncle Issa.

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Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.