I want to introduce my mistress to my wife

 Ask Uncle ISSA


Disclaimer: Uncle Issa advises you to take the information below with a pinch of salt. These are my humorous observations, not a recipe for relationship bliss. If you need expert advice, find it elsewhere, not here. Read till the end, with a smile!

Question: My name is Brave Saul. I want to introduce my mistress to my wife, but she doesn't think it's a good idea. How do I do it painlessly for both my mistress and my wife?

Answer:

Dear Brave Saul,

Wow, you’re really living on the edge, aren’t you? In the army, you would be a two-star general. But this sounds like the plot for a romance movie. Not too many people I know would like to bring TNT and dynamite together, but hey, if you’re determined to navigate this minefield (not to mention the resulting explosion), here are three options:

  1. The Surprise Party: First things first: If you’ve ever considered having a bodyguard, there’s no better time than now. Get one before you do this.

Throw a surprise party in a hotel and be sure to invite both your mistress and your wife but don’t tell them. It’s a surprise party, remember? You are the point man; they should gravitate towards you. When they both show up, act just as surprised as they are as you beckon at the bodyguard. "Oh, what a coincidence! Mistress, this is my wife. Wife, this is my mistress. You two should totally meet!" Then throw a commanding glance at the bodyguard. If anyone should get hurt, it’s his job to take the hit. That is why you hired him.

  1. The Amnesia Plot: Pretend you have amnesia and introduce your mistress as if you’ve forgotten who she is. "Honey, this is... um... who are you again?" Turn to your wife and ask her who she is. The amnesia is for real if you pretend correctly. The only problem with this plot is that you will actually end up in the hospital with real amnesia. Don’t worry about who will cause it as long as the two have already met. Worry more about which home you will go to when you are discharged.

  2. The Business Partner: Introduce your mistress as a business partner who’s helping you with a top-secret project, which you are funding, of course. Her input is to work undercover. If your wife asks her some questions, let her answer that she has signed a ‘non-disclosure agreement,’ so she can’t talk about it. Just keep your wife at arm's length so she doesn’t ask too many questions about the "project."

Remember, honesty is usually the best policy, but if you’re set on this path, always have a bodyguard around. Good luck, and may your life be full of manageable drama!

Uncle Issa

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If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
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