I started a project recently and my husband is livid about it but I put my foot down

 

Please Note: Uncle Issa offers his wisdom with a generous dose of humour and personal opinion. While the advice aims to be insightful, it is not a substitute for professional counselling or therapy. If you are experiencing serious marital difficulties, seeking guidance from a qualified relationship expert is strongly recommended. Take Uncle Issa's pronouncements with a grain of salt and a hearty laugh!  

Ask Uncle Issa

Question: Dear Uncle Issa. Help me to improve communication with my husband. We have been married for seven years now. My husband and I have three children. The problem is that we argue about virtually everything. I started a project recently, and he is livid about it. I put my foot down and told him that I will go on with it, with or without it. He has gone into a ‘nil by mouth,’ so we rarely talk. When we do, it is a quarrel or argument. According to him, I have no respect in the way I address issues to him. I fear that he is contemplating leaving, yet I have no problem with the way I communicate since my parents and siblings have never complained. How do we improve the way we communicate to each other?

Answer: Welcome to Uncle Issa’s House of Wisdom, where no problem is too big and no husband is too silent to be fixed. There is a Swahili saying that where old men are available, things don’t go wrong. This is what is lacking in your marriage, but at least you have reached out to me, an old man. Another saying goes like this: if you do not listen to an elder, you will break a leg, so listen keenly.

It does not matter how long you have been married and how many children you have. You can be married 20 years and even have seven children, but if communication is lacking, that home will be a tinderbox. When someone wants things to go their way, they will be putting their foot down—the wife, the husband, and even the children. Come to think of it, that will be nine-foot-stomping Homo sapiens in the same cave. Yet consensus can be reached without a single foot stomping. That is if there will be communication. So you have zeroed in on the problem of what is lacking in your house—communication.

 Why argue? Arguments occur anywhere because one or both persons want to be heard and do not want to hear the other person. Try this: Say four sentences, then SHUT UP. Let the other person say their four sentences. Only speak when there is a lull or you are invited to speak. After another four sentences, SHUT UP. Allow the other person to respond. Before you start talking, stress that you will be there to listen to their point and to also meet them halfway. If you put your foot down, you have not compromised. You also have not met the other person halfway. You’re running your house like Mussolini with a megaphone. It is either your way or the highway. Right now, your husband is quietly stomping in his mind. Let me be blunt, sister. You will never improve communication if you do not meet your husband halfway or, after carefully listening to him, accept his opinion wholesale.

About the project you started. Why did you start it before discussing it with him? When he learnt about it, he had no choice but to feel left out in his own house, and hence the opposition. You’d also feel like an extra in your own movie! When he learned about it, you should have explained its pros and SHUT UP without getting defensive. When he had come over to the hut and explained it to us, you should have listened keenly and accepted to address the weaknesses of the project with his help and then SHUT UP. Repeat this process until you’ve both finished your points without turning your house into a verbal boxing ring. When there is no consensus on an issue, put it off for a week or two, but do not put your foot down. Your children will also learn negotiating skills, and that is good for your home and the nation in general.

To communicate better, serve your husband with his favorite meal, and as he is consuming it, Start by apologising for starting a project without informing or involving him, then SHUT UP. If he says nothing, tell him you are ready to discuss the issue again, then SHUT UP. When you next speak, tell him that you respect him and that you are ready to come to a consensus, though the project is dear to you. Arguing means that everybody wants to be heard without listening to another point of view.

When you learn negotiating skills, especially SHUTTING UP, he will have no reason to leave you. You have no problem with the way you communicate with your parents or siblings because they are used to you as Miss. Musolini. Your husband did not grow up in your home, so don’t give him that dictatorial attitude. If the advice here does not improve your communication, nothing will.  

Uncle issa                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Expert Advice

Beyond the Laughter: Insights on Improving Marital Communication

While Uncle Issa provides a humorous and relatable perspective on the communication breakdown in your marriage, it's important to understand the underlying dynamics from a relationship expert's viewpoint. Your situation, characterized by frequent arguments and a husband's withdrawal, suggests a breakdown in healthy communication patterns and mutual respect.

Key Principles for Improvement:

1.     Active Listening: As Uncle Issa rightly emphasizes with his "SHUT UP" advice, truly hearing your partner is crucial. This involves not just waiting for your turn to speak, but also paying attention to their verbal and nonverbal cues, trying to understand their perspective, and validating their feelings – even if you don't agree with their viewpoint.

2.     Empathy and Perspective-Taking: Try to see the situation from your husband's point of view. His feeling "left out" regarding your project is a valid emotion. Understanding his perspective can soften your approach and facilitate compromise.

3.     "I" Statements: Instead of accusatory "you" statements (e.g., "You're being unreasonable"), use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs without blaming (e.g., "I felt a bit isolated when I started the project without discussing it").

4.     Respectful Communication: Uncle Issa points out your husband feels disrespected. Examine your communication style. Are you being dismissive, critical, or condescending? Even when disagreeing, maintain a tone of respect and value his opinions.

5.     Collaborative Problem-Solving: Approach disagreements as problems to be solved together, rather than battles to be won. This involves brainstorming solutions and being willing to compromise. Putting off issues for a week or two, as Uncle Issa suggests, can provide space for emotions to cool and for more rational discussion.

6.     Timing and Setting: Choose appropriate times and places for difficult conversations, avoiding times when either of you are tired, stressed, or distracted.

7.     Seek Professional Help: If communication continues to be a significant challenge and you fear separation, consider seeking professional help from a marriage counselor or therapist. They can provide objective guidance and tools to improve your communication patterns.

Uncle Issa's advice to apologize and initiate a calm discussion over a pleasant meal is a good starting point. However, sustained improvement requires a commitment from both partners to learn and practice healthier communication skills.

Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.