Love 'Em and Leave 'Em: Uncle Issa's Sarcastic Take on Fear of Abandonment

Disclaimer: The advice given here is for humour only. It is not supposed to replace an expert's advice. Prepare for some tough love, buttercup! If you're looking for coddling and validation for your… unique approach to relationships, you've come to the wrong watering hole. Uncle Issa calls it as he sees it, with a healthy dose of (perhaps uncomfortable) truth. Proceed with caution—and maybe a thick skin. The second part of this article will give you an expert’s take on the problem. Read to the end.

Ask uncle Issa

Question:

I love being in a relationship. I have been in many of them. But there is a problem. They never last long enough. My first love, whom I had given my everything and I had so much hope in him, dumped me. Since then I find that I can’t trust any of my lovers. To avoid getting hurt after being dumped again, I usually end the relationship early. I am feeling the same about the current relationship – that I should end it before he leaves me and hurt me. If my man is not reassuring me all the time, I worry about why he is quiet, why he hasn’t called in a while. All along I wonder if he is up to something, like having another relationship or planning to dump me. Help me get me my confidence back and to be less suspicious. I need the latest relationship to work so that I can get married and settle down.

Answer:

Hi relationship buff. After that first sour relationship, you are really almost an expert about ‘how not to get dumped.’ It’s truly impressive how you’ve mastered the art of dodging emotional pain—by creating it yourself, of course. The only reason you are not an expert is because you really do not know why that first guy took the next available flight. Because you do not know what really happened, you are victimising every other man that loves you. Blaming the victim, that’s right, missy. You are not a victim here.

Now look inwards and try to find out what really happened. Maybe you have not just become a suspicion expert. Maybe you suspected that the guy had another woman when he called his mother. Maybe just the ringing of his phone sent you into a frenzy of imagination about non-existent women. The poor guy couldn’t even swallow his saliva without you imagining that he has swallowed ‘a secret letter’ from a lover. You still don’t know what happened there, do you? You’ve made him into the villain in your story, but honestly, he’s probably just as confused as you are. The poor guy can’t even take a bathroom break without you thinking he’s disappeared to call another woman. Just why did the first guy run for dear life? He didn’t just wake up one morning and vanish without saying, ‘sayonara baby.’

The truth is, no one runs away from a charming damsel unless they are damned and out of their mind. So let us start by believing that you know how to choose your men—not the first guy that comes along. If you don’t know how, that’s a whole new lesson, so let’s stick to your question. You are overly suspicious, and that is consuming you. So work on yourself. Be irresistible. This is how:

1.       Keep yourself clean and well-groomed. And I’m not just talking about a quick shower. There’s a reason “clean and classy” is the way to go. And don’t be sarcastic. Watch the words that come out of your mouth. Sarcasm and bad manners can cancel out your cleanliness and meticulous grooming.

2.       Make sure your house is clean with a nice scent in the air. The home should say, “I’m the total package,” like a home that doesn’t smell like unwashed dishes or look like a crime scene. Nothing will put off a good man like sneezing due to durst in the air, or having to lift their feet every time a mouse or cockroach crosses the room.

3.       Learn to cook delicious meals and how to prepare the exquisite beverages. The way to a man’s heart is his stomach, not a cute damsel. Trust me, he’ll come around for the food, and then you can charm him into sticking around.

Your serious man will not need any prodding to go on his knees begging for your hand in marriage. But if after all the steps outlined above he still wants to leave, let him go. He is just one of the several frogs that you have to kiss before you meet your prince charming. And please, Missy, work on your suspicious nature and replace it with beauty and confidence.  That way, you will be a magnet and not a repellant.

Uncle Issa

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Expert Advice Section:

Beyond the Sarcasm: Understanding Fear of Abandonment and Relationship Insecurity

While Uncle Issa's response employs sharp sarcasm to highlight the self-defeating patterns in your relationship history, the underlying issue of fear of abandonment and lack of trust is a significant and often painful one. Your pattern of ending relationships preemptively to avoid hurt suggests a deep-seated insecurity stemming from the initial painful experience.

Key Expert Principles for Addressing Fear of Abandonment and Insecurity:

1. Acknowledge the Root Cause: The trauma of your first heartbreak clearly had a profound impact, leading to a defensive mechanism of preemptive termination. Recognising this initial wound is the first step towards healing.

2.     Challenge Negative Thought Patterns: Your constant suspicion and worry about your partner's actions are likely fuelled by negative thought patterns and assumptions based on past experience, not present reality. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques can help identify and challenge these thoughts.

3.     Build Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Your value as a person is not dependent on being in a relationship or whether a partner stays. Focusing on your own strengths, interests, and self-care can boost your confidence and reduce your reliance on external validation.

4.     Learn to Trust Gradually: Trust is earned over time. Instead of demanding constant reassurance, observe your current partner's actions and build trust based on consistent positive behaviour. Be mindful not to project past hurts onto the present.

5.     Communicate Your Needs (Healthily): While constant reassurance isn't sustainable, it's valid to communicate your need for occasional affirmation and connection in a non-demanding way. "I feel more secure when we have regular check-ins" is different from "Why haven't you called me every hour?"

6.     Address Relationship Anxiety: Your anxiety about the relationship ending is likely high. Relaxation techniques, mindfulness, and therapy can help manage this anxiety.

7.     Consider Therapy or Counselling: A therapist can provide a safe and supportive space to explore the roots of your fear of abandonment, process past trauma, and develop healthier relationship patterns and coping mechanisms.

8.     Focus on the Present Relationship: Avoid constantly comparing your current partner to your ex or anticipating negative outcomes based on the past. Give the current relationship a fair chance.

9.     Recognise Self-Sabotage: Understand that your preemptive ending of relationships is a form of self-sabotage driven by fear. Breaking this pattern requires conscious effort and a willingness to tolerate some vulnerability.

Uncle Issa’s advice on cleanliness and cooking is meant to be humorous—and a little cheeky. But real connection takes more. Trust, emotional intimacy, and honest communication matter most. That means looking at the deeper fears behind your actions.

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Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.