Help! My Daughter Hates Me: Uncle Issa's Sarcastic Solutions for Moody Teens

Disclaimer: Please be aware that the preceding response contains elements of humour and sarcasm intended for entertainment. For professional guidance on relationships, please consult with a qualified marriage counsellor or therapist.

Ask Uncle Issa

Question: Dear Uncle Issa. I have a problem. My daughter, who has been a good girl, always asking Mummy for help with her difficult questions has changed. She is moody and in deep thought, most of the time when she’s not browsing on her phone. She is distant, yet we were so close. When I inquire, on her moodiness, she becomes hostile and tells me that she has no problem. But I notice that she soon cries herself to sleep. She spends days holed up in her room for days. She also does not get along with her brothers and sisters. I am sure she is sick. She used to be so bubbly and friendly. I really wish I could understand her and help her to overcome whatever problem she has. First I want to be able to talk to her. Please help me.

Answer: Hello, Mum. It’s great to hear that you are so in touch with your daughter’s growth that you notice when she changes to a moody, brooding, phone-obsessed hermit. You didn’t mention her age, which is a shame because that’s kind of crucial. I’ll take a wild guess: She’s probably somewhere between "I’m-not-a-kid-anymore" and "I-know-more-than-you-do" ages. Let’s break this down. If she is below 12 and refuses to answer your questions, you are the problem. Your parenting is faulty. You are not teaching her to obey her parents. Try enforcing some boundaries like, asking her to tidy up after herself instead of retreating into her fortress of solitude.

 

If she is anywhere from 13 to 16, that is when they become adolescents and question everything. Like why are you nosy? Why are you restricting her movements and trying to choose her friends? This is in the age of discovery, she is worried if she looks good or if her body is developing as required. She is worried about what people think about her. She’s just battling her inner existential crisis and your well-meaning but completely off-the-mark questions.

If she is over 16, she is an adult now. She can decide that your previous answers were demeaning. She’s probably thinking, “Wow, Mum’s still asking questions like I’m 12.” And then your current questions are not ‘with it.’ You are old, that’s the reason. You are beyond conversations with her. She’s already grown beyond you (at least in her head). So, take a step back and try to understand. She wants meaningful conversations with youth her age. She gets hostile when you ask, because you really don’t get. Why don’t you wait till she decides to engage you? Your attitude brings her to tears, something even her close friends cannot understand. So, when she has nowhere to go, she stays indoors. So if she’s in this age group, the only way to understand her is to try to be like her. Start wearing jeans with holes in them around the thighs and knees. Listen to her music and try eating ice cream with her. Invite her in the kitchen to help her cook her favorite meal, even if it is popcorn. She will open up and tell you everything. And when her friends show up, just exit stage left. You’re trying to be cool, but let’s face it—you’re still her mom

 And if she’s 18 or older, I hate to break it to you, but your parenting has just entered a new phase: tough love. Just put your foot down and tell her that she is an adult in your house. She can’t be asking for help when she should be paying ‘black tax’. If she’s an adult, she can start acting like one, and that might mean not spending endless hours in her childhood bedroom. Either she lives up to your expectations or she leaves. She should be leaving the nest, not nestling in your extra room for hours.

There you have it, Mama. I hope your daughter gets back to her babbly self, asking questions, responding to you and spending fewer hours in her room.

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Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.