How to Grow Hair on a Bald Head: Uncle Issa’s Guide

 Ask Uncle ISSA

A reader asks how to grow hair on a bald head—and Uncle Issa delivers three eccentric, hilarious, and maybe-questionable remedies rooted in Kenyan humor

Kenyan man visualizing hair growth—Uncle Issa humor

Disclaimer: Uncle Issa advises you to take the information below with a pinch of salt (or maybe some chili. These are my humorous observations, not a recipe for growing hair or a guarantee for a bushy head. If you need expert advice, find it elsewhere, not here. Read till the end, with a smile!

Question: Dear Uncle Issa. I am asking this knowing fully well that you have no hair on your head. I have a bald head too and have made a New Year's resolution to grow some hair. Help me with a workable solution even though you seem quite comfortable with your ‘fly airport head.’

Answer: Dear Ambitious Hairless,

Thanks for noticing my fly airport head. Hardly anybody notices my bald head, except of course the insects, as you have remarked; my head is a classic case of ‘hair today, gone tomorrow.’ First off, kudos to you for aiming so high with your New Year's resolution! Growing hair on a bald head is no small feat—it's like planting avocados in the Sahara Desert. I have a similar problem as your eagle eye has seen. I got an opposite reaction when I tried to grow some hair. You see a bald head because my hair is growing inwards. So fear not; I have solutions for your ambitious scalp. Here are three solutions for you to make an informed choice.


1. Horse Manure & Hope

 Fertiliser galore: Get a generous heap of horse manure. Not even a mule’s poop will do. It’s either horse manure or nothing. Start by concocting a daily potion of hope and optimism. Mix equal parts of faith, patience, a dash of hair tonic, and warm horse manure. Don’t heat the horse manure. If it was recently generated, it will be warm anyway. Otherwise, room temperature will do. Apply liberally to your scalp while chanting, "Hair today, here to stay!" Repeat daily until you either sprout hair or get a hoarse voice. If you cannot get horse manure, put the project on hold.


2. Wigs That Inspire Jealousy

The Wig Challenge: Invest in a variety of wigs. Each day, wear a different one and shake your head vigorously. A cowboy hat on Mondays; a pirate hat on Tuesdays and so on. Who knows, maybe your scalp will get jealous of all the fabulous hair and decide to join the party! Spend 10 minutes each day imagining your head with a full, luscious mane. Visualisation is a powerful tool—if nothing else, it’ll help you get really good at picturing yourself with hair. Your scalp might even defeat the opposition of wigs by growing a better crop of hair than the wigs will ever display.


3. Hiding Hair in Plain Sight

The Hat Conspiracy: Keep a stylish hat collection handy. Tell everyone you're growing your hair undercover, but it’s not to be hurried. The element of mystery adds to your charm, and no one will be the wiser. You might never grow hair this way, but you might get used to the suave hats. Alternatively, visit your barber and ask for a "trim." The more you visit, the more convinced everyone (including yourself) will be that something's happening up there under the hat. 


Remember, if all fails and your hair-growing endeavours don't yield a bush on your head, you're still rocking the bald look like an upside-down pot. "And hey, some girls find bald heads irresistible—just ask the ladies at the local fly airport!"

Happy hair-growing,


Uncle Issa

Curious what else Uncle Issa has in his bald head? Read next.

For over 30 years, Riquette Hofstein has helped thousands overcome hair loss and reclaim confidence—with science, sass, and a splash of vodka. In this transformative guide, she shares her 7-step method for regrowing thicker, healthier hair in just 90 days:

  • Herbal treatments with surprising ingredients
  • Scalp stimulation secrets for real results
  • The haircut trick that speeds up growth
  • The shampoo mistake you're probably making

Packed with DIY recipes, exclusive tips, and a whole lot of personality, this book is your comeback story in a bottle.

"Uncle Issa’s got jokes, but this book’s got the juice. Ready to turn your scalp into a comeback story?"

Get the Book on Amazon

As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases made through this link.

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Uncle Issa thanks you for sitting through the rants, giggles, and tales of near-edible Githeri.
If any of it made your day a little sharper—or stranger—consider buying him a coffee.
The kettle’s always on, and your support means he keeps the firewood stocked.

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